Livingmentalhealth (John Durrant)

Goodbye Grandma

Hey everyone.

It’s been a while, due to my grandma being unwell and then passing away, bless her. I also made a mistake with my website; it hasn’t been live for a couple weeks, but thanks to a friend it’s back up and running, so that’s all good.

Whoever said grieving for a family member was easy needs to get their head examined. My gran became ill again last year and never made it out of her hospital stay. I’m not going to lie: when my grandma’s health got worse, I didn’t want to go and see her. I had some really good visits with her where we were laughing and joking, but I couldn’t deal with when she got worse.

Me and my grandma were close and she was one of my biggest supporters in doing these blogs, my podcasts and the talks I do about my mental health journey. When I first had my relapse, I don’t think she quite understood my mental health, but over the last five years she did try to understand and always made sure that I wasn’t low and wasn’t struggling. She always offered a sympathetic ear.

My grandma would always get me to update her ipad for her, because she wouldn’t charge it overnight in case it went up in flames. Then she would press the wrong buttons and somehow expect me to know how to fix it – ha ha! I would just turn the ipad off or just keep hitting the home button to try and fix it. As people I know will tell you, I’m not very technically minded.

During the summer before she went to hospital, her water feature in the back garden that kept running out of water. Every time I went round, I filled it up for her.

I’m still struggling. I can’t bring myself to look at text messages we’ve sent each other, just like I can’t bear to delete her number. This might seem silly, but I don’t think I’m ready. Her funeral was two days before my birthday and my cousin Becky and sister Abby did a speech, then they played a video she’d made and that broke me. My sis is a little shit for that.

I want to say a big thank you to my partner, because if I didn’t have her, I dread to think where I would be now since all this has happened.

I’ve also thanked my aunty Sharon and grandad for organising the funeral, and for leaving the curtains open in the crematorium so that we could say our last goodbye.

Thanks for reading this blog. I intend to be back on a more regular basis now, so thank you for the support. I wish you all good mental health and have a cracking week ahead.

John

4 responses to “Goodbye Grandma”

  1. David Andrew Robertson Avatar
    David Andrew Robertson

    Dear John

    We wonder what happens when someone we care for passes.

    We can see them in our minds eye clear as day is light, and night is dark.

    Do you ever have conversations with the past. Like those conversations you have with friends that sets the world to rights?

    After a moment on the couch (the one in the sittting room) with one’s eyes closed, thinking about what they might have done, or do relating to a situation you are in.

    Considering this and having a word with the memory one could then stand up from the couch and know what to do. A plan has been made with such a conversation to solve or start a new day, or close on a spent day.

    This is a nice way of remembering someone who some how might still be helping you after they have gone.

    It is a spirtual way of healing yourself in a way that was started when the other person was there to respond to.

    I hope this leaves you with a comforting feeling, that you are not alone with your loss.

    That others lose in this way to.

    Something I wrote the other day is:

    There is no such thing as winning and losing in life. Just being alive at the beginning, and being alive at the end.

    Walk in peace.

    David

    Reply
    1. John Durrant Avatar
      John Durrant

      Hey David,
      thanks fi taking the time to read and comment on my blog I love what you have said.

      thank you for your continued support

      Reply
  2. Gary Bennett Avatar
    Gary Bennett

    Love the honesty and fun side of a difficult time for you John but you have done her proud and remember all those good times as they are the memories to cherish!! Well done 👏 man hugs 🤗 from Gaz x

    Reply
    1. John Durrant Avatar
      John Durrant

      Hey Gary thanks for taking the time and checking my blog out and leaving a such nice words thanks fella

      Reply

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